Overwhelmed

I am so stressed out. I went back to work this week and it has been harder than I could have imagined. I go into the office two days a week and work from home three days a week; both situations have their own set of challenges. When I leave Eli to go into the office my heart breaks and I miss him so much. When I am at home with him it is almost impossible to work when he is awake. Number one I don't want to, and number two I feel guilty just having him sit in his seat without my interaction and attention. So needless to say I am completely overwhelmed. I just don't know how to do it all. I have to work, so I have to make the best of this situation. Yesterday was a bad day for me and I felt like my heart was racing all day long. I just don't know how to be a good mom, be a good wife, get my job done, maintain my other relationships, clean my house, take care of myself, etc. I am just going to try and take it day by day and do the best I can do, but this is so hard. I am hoping that over time I will adjust to working and learn how to multi-task my life. I really have no choice, I have to for the well being of my family and myself.

In other news, our breastfeeding has come to an end. This too has got me very upset. Around Christmas time Eli decided he only wanted to feed in the morning, so I was having to pump throughout the day. It was difficult to take care of him, bottle feed him and then pump, but I was doing it. After a while I noticed that my low supply was getting even lower. Then a few days before I went back to work it was almost non-existent. My Lactation Consultant told me this would likely happen. That the stress of going back to work would cause my supply to decrease...she was right. So all this week I was pumping and getting nothing...a terrible feeling. I also saw how even during our morning feedings, Eli didn't seem to be getting much and was getting frustrated. After days of agonizing over this and taking to Jered, I decided that I was putting myself through added stress when I did not even have any milk left. I needed to accept what had happened and move forward. Its really hard, but I do know that I did everything I could to feed him and I just need to be glad that he got breast milk for three and a half months.

We decided to do Eli's surgery in Gainesville with Dr. Woo at the end of April/early May. I talked with my work about it and they were supportive of me taking Family Medical Leave for two weeks (more if I have too) around that time. So yesterday I called Dr. Woo's surgical coordinator and she is going to call me back next week and let me know about dates. Hopefully next week we should have a date set. I think that this too has me more upset than I realize. As I write this out I have tears in my eyes, but yet I know it is what has to be done.

I turn 30 on Monday, so I am going to try and find some time to write a more upbeat post about all that I am thankful for this weekend. Its just been a really hard week.