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I have been meaning to write something about how I am coping with the fact that Eli's surgery is about a month away. Every time I think about writing something I just feel like it is going to be too negative or I really just don't know what to say. The short answer is that I have my good days and my bad days.
On my bad days my mind attempts to play out the events of the surgery day. I try and imagine what it will be like when Eli wakes up hungry and I can't feed him. What will that drive to the hospital be like on that Monday morning? At this point I am not sure exactly what will take place between the time we get to the hospital and the time the surgery begins, but I picture us in a room with a hungry boy who has no idea why his Momma isn't feeding him and that tears me apart.
We know that one us of can take him to the ER and be with him as he is put to sleep for the surgery. At this point we have decided that its probably best if Jered does this, as I will most likely be a mess. So I picture Jered walking down a white hallway taking our baby to the OR, and then I picture myself collapsing. Even though it'll be Jered, I still think I might not be able to let him go, I might choose at that moment to be the one to hold him as he falls asleep. We'll just have to see.
To say I am worried about Eli being under anesthesia is a huge understatement, I am terrified. All I can do is have faith that God will watch over him and that all will go well. I know we are doing the right thing and it just has to be done, whether I like it or not. I pray that his pain is controlled and that he heals well. I pray that he is okay.
On the good days, I am thankful. Thankful for my happy, healthy boy. I try and take comfort in the fact that we are abundantly blessed and that an amputation of a foot is a relatively straightforward surgery. I picture my boy walking to me, running outside, riding his bike and just doing the things that little boys do. In order to get through the next couple of months I just have to stay focused on these things and know that really, its not that bad.
It will be tough, but not horrific like what your mind is thinking. Once they give you the first update on Eli you will most likely feel a sense of weight lifted off your shoulders. I too was worried about all of these things. Eli can sense and pick up on how you feel, try to stay strong and brave for him on surgery morning. HE will do great and so will you. Hugs my friend
ReplyDeleteYea, just like Jenna said, it won't be as bad as you are imagining. It will be over before you know it and you can get on with your lives. Emily was 11 months when she had her surgery and has absolutely no recollection of it so I am sure Eli will be the same way. Stay strong, keep your spirits up and know that it will all be fine!!
ReplyDeleteOh, know of my pryaers, dear friend. I know the waiting can be so draining. The unanswered questions and not being sure exactly how the evnts will transpire can be so taxing emotionally. I agree with Jenna...once I got that first update on how Hannah was doing, I felt strong again. I felt I could breathe a little better. There were still difficult times upon her healing from the surgery, but today she is doing so very well. I know your pain, Kristina. I wish I could be there with you to hold your hand.
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