Peace

On Wednesday, at 8:30 a.m. I am scheduled to have a Level 2 ultrasound.  At my first OB appointment my OB (who I just love) asked me if I wanted one and I said that I most definitely did.  He agreed and said that he felt like I really wasn’t going to be able to fully enjoy this pregnancy until after I had the “big” ultrasound, and since the Level 2 is more detailed, after that any concerns I had would be gone.

I guess the way I would explain it is, after you have had an ultrasound where you are told that there is something wrong with your baby, it’s hard not to have an absolute dread about facing that situation again.  For me, an ultrasound will never be about announcing “pink” or “blue.”  It is a medical test to see if my baby is okay.  And to clarify, it’s not that I am worried about this baby having FH, I am just worried about anything and everything.

My OB did an ultrasound at 8 weeks at my first appointment and out of nowhere I just started sobbing like a baby.  I guess just all of these emotions came flooding back and I felt so scared.  At my 12 week apt., instead of listening to the baby’s heartbeat he sneaked a quick ultrasound in again and I did much better.  We both were excited to see a fully formed baby (who looked super big by the way) moving around.

I’ve been all over the map with my feelings about this ultrasound.  Unfortunately, I do have moments where I have horrible thoughts going through my head that I don’t ever want to write down or verbalize.  But for the most part I am feeling at peace.  I keep telling myself that it is what it is.  God has already made this baby the way he or she is supposed to be, so on Wednesday I just find out. 

The most comforting thing to me is when I look at my beautiful son.  I think back to a little over 2 years ago when I was inconsolable for 2 weeks straight after I found out about his leg.  I feel so bad for that lady!!  Little did she know that God was about to bless her with the most perfect, beautiful boy that anyone could ever ask for!  So that shows me that I really don’t know anything.  God has already shown me once that I need to just trust him and be at peace no matter what.  So that is what I am going to try to do.

For the record, I have no idea if this is a boy or a girl.  With Eli I was 99.99% positive that it was the little boy that I had always dreamed of.  This time, I just don’t know.  Sometimes I think it is a boy and sometimes a girl.  I am going with boy though, so we’ll see if I come out 2 for 2 on Wednesday.

Prayers for a healthy baby would be wonderful, and prayers for a peaceful mama no matter what are perfect.